I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
