apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
