Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
