i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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