I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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