I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
