I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
