Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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