I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
sex in a hospital.. check
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
