Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
