sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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