Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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