Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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