I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
