Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
