dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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