i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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