so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
