I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
