for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
