Will you blow on my dice?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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