By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
