I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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