I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
