Whod you bang
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
