Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
