So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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