he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
so much tequila, so little girl.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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