Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
