I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
