hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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