honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
