They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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