Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
