I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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