I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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