Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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