Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
