i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
