turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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