You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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