its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
