Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
