Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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