I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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