My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
