Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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