Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
even my farts smell like vagina
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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