i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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