its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
