Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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